I see every word you write for me. Your "Dear David" posts are a good read, and not just from my perspective. You make every person feel like you are speaking to them, directly. Being a twin is an odd life experience, partly because it is not one, confined event. To me, it is living with a built in safety net. We know every facet of the the other, so being alone is a luxury you and I will never have.
So when you write of just that, loneliness. I believe what you mean is complacency.
The two of us will always find routine comforting, but (from recent experience I can tell you) never satisfying.
My moving to Seattle has been a true testament to the wide breadth of things we have not seen growing up in a small Mississippi town. I have driven through Texas, to the Mexican border, through deserts of rolling sand and cacti standing in surrender. I drove through flat Arizona and saw nothing but the orange glow of a sleepy Sun as it hid behind a mountain. I saw gorgeous California beaches and drove through Kardashian country, where I saw the backs of expensive headlights for longer than I wanted to. I even drove across that big red bridge, the one we saw on TV for years. And through the mountains of Oregon, my breath taken away, my only reference to this state being an educational video game in elementary school. I drove all that way fueled by the dreams I had been stacking for over a decade.
It was in high school that I first watched Sleepless in Seattle. First and foremost this a movie made for David and Micah Winter. Inherently upbeat but still hitting you in the feels while showcasing Americas coolest cities. I looked at it and then looked at my surrounding and went to bed that night dreaming of a house boat in Seattle.
In my mind Seattle was the perfect city, one with cool temperatures and foggy skies. One with the hustle and bustle of the Big Apple, but the storybook landscape of Jessica Fletcher's Maine.
I built this town up to be the very thing they put on postcards here, The Emerald City.
Then I finally was rewarded the opportunity to come here, and without ever as much as spending a day to feel it out, I moved Sight.Un.Seen.
They call that wanderlust. Yet it's really naive.
The days leading up to my cross country drive I decided to work overtime at my assignment in Houston. I worked for 15 days in a row. And for a nurse doing 13 hour shifts, that's unheard of. But I was determined, and every bit of my off time at work, any break I had I googled the small apartment I secured downtown in the world of Oz.
I would use google maps to navigate around the buildings and "walk" from my new place in the heart of it all to Pike Place Market, or Lake Union, or to the quirky coffee shop in the alleyway.
I could not contain the feeling inside me. That feeling you have when you know a dream is about to be realized, that hard work MIGHT actually pay off this time.
Then came the day I arrived. Grant called, he had made it before I did with a U-Haul of our belongings from Memphis. He could not make it up the hill to our apartment with the U-Haul. So when I got there we moved all of our belongings UP HILL!
But that couldn't get me down we had made it! We were in the city Tom Hanks had made for me in my mind to be the greatest there is.
They next day we spent exploring the city. Our apartment, being "in the heart of everything" actually proved quite difficult to navigate around. It was not the heart of Seattle, yet the heart of Seattle Tourism. We had chosen to live in an Amusement park. Pike Place Market is the most walked area in Washington State. Thousands of people pour into this area to see men throw fish and to buy local jams and bouquets of flowers.
The headache only grew from there. I made it to the coffee shop I had Google walked to so many times before I made it here, it's a small, closet of a place in the alley by the Gum Wall. I got up to the cashier and shared my story of just having moved here and dreaming of ordering coffee at this exact, quirky little spot. And before I could hardly finish, the girl behind the counter, eyes half-mast said "that's great, were you gunna order something...or...?"
I walked down the alley feeling kind of defeated. That 'kind of' only lasted until the next day, my first day at work. I had decided to work outside of Seattle at a hospital 30 miles from where I lived. Little did I know until I looked up my route, that 30 miles is actually a 2 hour drive here on I-5. But still that would not get me down, I happily got dressed and rushed out the door, found my car on the street and hopped in and pressed start.
It wasn't until this point that I looked to my right and saw the millions of tiny pieces of glass where my nurse bag had been. I just rested my head on my steering wheel for a moment and breathed in and out and went off to work.
I say all this to prepare you to be pushed out of your complacency. I worked hard to make a long held passion and dream a reality and even though it has been the most enriching thing I have done, there is no comfort in change. The world heard I was ready to make a move in my life and decided to test me. Don't let yourself be burdened by failure. Put your head on the steering wheel, breath in and out and move forward. There is a world you have not seen, and as your brother it is my duty to make sure that it happens for you.
I love Seattle now. Fell back in love, I guess I should say.